I have just today finished a book by Francine Rivers called "And the Shofar Blew". It felt a bit cheesy at first and I set it aside to read a Nelson DeMille novel. After finishing that book, I went back to the Rivers book. It's a good book...enjoyable and sad and moving and pretty much what you want a piece of fiction to be.

Anyway, it's Tuesday and so I have more time to be pensive. With Avery at school and Asher napping, I drink in the quiet and indulge in uninterrupted thought. Most of the time I fritter away these precious few hours. They could definitely be used in a better form. And it's funny because that's the last thing I want to do...most of the time.

A few minutes ago I was struck with how hard it is for me to "rest". I am by nature a lazy person, so it's quite ironic and comical to think about how I spend my days dashing about the house straightening up the endless messes. It's got to be an outward display of something going on inside, right? And it's so sad that I prefer to tidy up over playing with our kids.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. It's not going to make much sense.

I think I have a lot of idols in my life. I think I live in a distinct place called denial. I think I'm terribly self-centered and prideful. I think I've said this all before and that goes to show what a heel I am.

Whether I put all of my efforts into straightening a house, obsessing over diet and exercise or escaping in to a book, it's all the same. I'm running and I can't seem to sit still. It sucks but yet it's so a part of me that it is too painful (or maybe just too hard) to effect true change.

A lot of people are sick and dying. I know that life could stretch for many years before I die. But I also know that my parents are getting older and while they wrestle with their mortality, I briefly ponder mine. We all hear endless stories of sickness and death: cancer rearing its ugly head and killing in short order, senseless tragic accidents. It's out there and waiting for its appointed time.

And that made me think on my brief way home from Target the other day after speaking to a neighbor about his wife's sick brother who has been estranged for many years but now has reached out because he is wasting away from terminal cancer. I don't want to chase after the wind. I don't want to be remembered by my kids as "the mom who stayed home with us...but was always busy puttering around trying to clean up". I don't want to waste hours involving myself in the affairs of others that have no bearing on my life (read: celebrities). I've got enough before me that needs work in the way of relationships of the family kind.

Please pray for me. I am sincere in this request. I need help recognizing the idols in my life. And after that, the strength to crush them into fine powder so they are useless and irreparable. Pray that I would love out of obedience to Christ and that others would know that love. Pray that I would put blinders on when I start longing too much for the things of this world. Pray that I would be brought low when I am lifting myself up. Pray that my world would cease to exist only for me.