Monday, February 20, 2006

things i'm bad at...but God still loves me.

everyday i'm bombarded with my lack of ability to be perfect, or even pleasingly good. needless to say, it bugs. so last night when i woke up at 3 in the morning, i started thinking about things i'm not good at. instead of letting it beat me up, i decided to face them head on, admit it and remember that i'm still loved. it was kinda cool and freeing. of course i don't remember my wonderfully witty list, but here are some of the things:

1. corporate prayer: i never really get into the groove nor really focus when a group (church, sunday school, dinner time) is praying. i agree and kinda nod my compliance but i'm not moved to a spiritual place. lately i've figured out that if i lie on the couch on my back with minimal lighting, this is my most focused place of prayer and talking with God.

2. keeping my house clean: i have great expectations - they just remain unrealized. it's a good thing we live in a brand new house. it takes awhile for the dirt to accumulate. and not just dirt, because i've been consistent about cleaning the bathrooms, but it's all the clutter. walk into any room in my house and there is too much stuff laying around. i'm amazed at people who don't seem to have much stuff. where do they hide it all? shawn and i both suffer from throw away anxiety. the minute we toss it - it'll be needed.

3. maintaining a positive attitude: mood swings are my best friend. actually, as i've aged, i've gotten more even but pregnancy has thrown that out the window. little things throw me off balance and i don't recover too quickly. the grumps follow shortly and i'm as serious and burdened as a stone statue. really gotta work on this one.

4. finishing anything i start...

5. conversation: this one just plain frustrates me. i'm way too self conscious and hear myself talking. that gets me distracted and embarrassed and i shut down. plus i have all of these thoughts swirling in my head and that's where they stay. they don't come out in an orderly fashion. there is constant bottle necking. i'm really quite impressed and jealous of people who can just talk - about anything. i can't.

6. turning the tv off: working on this one. so much junk i don't want my 2 year old to see. and, obviously i don't need it anymore than she does.

7. eating: love food. eat too much.

an inexhaustive list and hey, God still loves me, and so does my husband and my daughter. i'm blessed.

Friday, February 17, 2006

just when you thought it was safe...

i'm back...maybe...i dunno, we'll see.

so much transpires over a few months. so much doesn't happen over that same amount of time.

i'm trying to reconnect with the "thinking" me. it got lost somewhere between marriage and motherhood. i used to be bogged down and burdened by my thoughts. now i can't seem to stay on topic long enough to produce anything more than a shallow skim of my surroundings. it's crazy. i used to hope and pray that i would stop thinking so much and now i wish there was a little more going on in that brain of mine. can one develop ADD this late in the game?

i've posted before about author Anne Lamott. I've been reading another of her books this week and i'm so "aaahhh". she is so darn uncomfortable and i love it. she looks nothing like our churchgoing brothers and sisters. cuss words and embarrassing stories, very liberal and unconventional - very northern california. but i wouldn't trade this feeling or the challenge she creates in my heart. her love of God is so real that i can't deny that she knows Jesus and relies on Him in a more consistent REAL way than i ever have. she drinks in life - all of it! that makes me jealous. whereas i'm running from one place to the next (or simply sitting on my butt), not connecting with God or others, she is doing the same thing but being made the better for it.

Honesty - that's what she has learned and keeps as a constant companion. i cringe at her revelations and stories and blatant exposure of her weaknesses. rock on! i want that! so i've decided - no more praying for faithfulness or patience or whatever christiany word comes out. i'm gonna ask that God make me know honesty and truth in my inner most being. then maybe i won't attack my husband b/c i feel ugly and unattractive. my dream is to tell him straight up what's got me down and not make him tiptoe around until he's so pissed it turns in to war. maybe then i'll be able to truly be nice to my mom and not act so put out all the time. ugly, ugly, ugly. and the list goes on and on and on...

yep, honesty is the best policy. not the easiest and for darn sure not the most rewarding. but it's got to be better than skimming the surface of self-reflection and involvement.

there ya have it...