just when you thought it was safe...

i'm back...maybe...i dunno, we'll see.

so much transpires over a few months. so much doesn't happen over that same amount of time.

i'm trying to reconnect with the "thinking" me. it got lost somewhere between marriage and motherhood. i used to be bogged down and burdened by my thoughts. now i can't seem to stay on topic long enough to produce anything more than a shallow skim of my surroundings. it's crazy. i used to hope and pray that i would stop thinking so much and now i wish there was a little more going on in that brain of mine. can one develop ADD this late in the game?

i've posted before about author Anne Lamott. I've been reading another of her books this week and i'm so "aaahhh". she is so darn uncomfortable and i love it. she looks nothing like our churchgoing brothers and sisters. cuss words and embarrassing stories, very liberal and unconventional - very northern california. but i wouldn't trade this feeling or the challenge she creates in my heart. her love of God is so real that i can't deny that she knows Jesus and relies on Him in a more consistent REAL way than i ever have. she drinks in life - all of it! that makes me jealous. whereas i'm running from one place to the next (or simply sitting on my butt), not connecting with God or others, she is doing the same thing but being made the better for it.

Honesty - that's what she has learned and keeps as a constant companion. i cringe at her revelations and stories and blatant exposure of her weaknesses. rock on! i want that! so i've decided - no more praying for faithfulness or patience or whatever christiany word comes out. i'm gonna ask that God make me know honesty and truth in my inner most being. then maybe i won't attack my husband b/c i feel ugly and unattractive. my dream is to tell him straight up what's got me down and not make him tiptoe around until he's so pissed it turns in to war. maybe then i'll be able to truly be nice to my mom and not act so put out all the time. ugly, ugly, ugly. and the list goes on and on and on...

yep, honesty is the best policy. not the easiest and for darn sure not the most rewarding. but it's got to be better than skimming the surface of self-reflection and involvement.

there ya have it...