all's quiet

i should be using this time to read and pray and be "still". avery is napping, shawn is working and i'm playing on the computer. i dunno, i just have this awful irreverent attitude right now. i don't want to do anything i'm supposed to. i finally paid two bills that have been staring at me for ages! i simply didn't want to mess with them. it's not like they were big bills or that the process of writing the checks wore me out. i just could not stomach the idea of doing it. rebellion at its finest.

last week i was "creative" or at least felt it. this week i'm not. this week i'm fully aware of my blazing inadequacies. i'll never be enough. i'll never be pretty enough, smart enough or escape the guilt of poor mothering. it's sad b/c i feel as though i'm this huge letdown to the people around me. like i don't deserve to exist b/c i can't earn my way! it doesn't help that i'm surrounded by insanely talented people! ugh, cut me some slack.

another gripe! i don't know how to wash clothes. it never fails - they come out with more issues than when they entered the washer and dryer. clothes are a pain in my arse. i want and need new clothes but when i have them i quickly stain them or worry so much about avery getting them dirty that i'm uptight. i have on a new pair of capris and yep, after their first trip through simri's school of wash, they have unexplained areas of discoloration. i give up. you know it's bad when you get lectures from your HUSBAND on the proper way to launder!

but, my hubby is the best darn dad out there! i absolutely love watching him and avery interact. he teaches her so much and really plays with her. she adores him and walks through the house yelling, "dada, dada!" until she finds him and can take him captive for more time together. it's wonderful! we are both sad because he heads out on the road this coming sunday for the next two months and our time together as a family will be limited.

tonight is girls nite. the wives of the bandmembers (well, 3 out of the 4 of us) are going out this evening. i'm really looking forward to this! i get to meet with one of the wives weekly, but this'll be great. also, a good friend (and amazing singer) will be joining us. i just love spending time with these women. they are beautiful, wonderful gals. anna has recently returned from turkey so we are trying Cafe Istanbul tonite. turkish cuisine is good so i'm curious.

shawn keeps looking over my shoulder. it's kinda funny how i don't want him to read it as i'm typing yet it'll be posted shortly for anyone to see.

lata!