king solomon

that old wise guy said it all in ecclesiastes. nothing is new. all the words, ideas that we come up with are reincarnations of old thoughts, words and ideas. each generation packages them a little differently. like the great steven tyler sang, "same old song and dance".

but, we are new. each one of us is unique and specific to this time. we are not rewritten versions of people past. as i sat trying to think of creative words to pen, that thought hit me. i'll always recycle words, but i'm new and constanly being shaped and changed so i'm different everyday. so is every person out there.

Everything has been said before.
I'm just repeating echoes in the hall.
Great Solomon spelled it out, nothing new.
But I am a song, a portrait, a painting.
I am a story from long ago, never heard,
Written by love, redeemed in pain,
Lifted up, again and again.

all's quiet

i should be using this time to read and pray and be "still". avery is napping, shawn is working and i'm playing on the computer. i dunno, i just have this awful irreverent attitude right now. i don't want to do anything i'm supposed to. i finally paid two bills that have been staring at me for ages! i simply didn't want to mess with them. it's not like they were big bills or that the process of writing the checks wore me out. i just could not stomach the idea of doing it. rebellion at its finest.

last week i was "creative" or at least felt it. this week i'm not. this week i'm fully aware of my blazing inadequacies. i'll never be enough. i'll never be pretty enough, smart enough or escape the guilt of poor mothering. it's sad b/c i feel as though i'm this huge letdown to the people around me. like i don't deserve to exist b/c i can't earn my way! it doesn't help that i'm surrounded by insanely talented people! ugh, cut me some slack.

another gripe! i don't know how to wash clothes. it never fails - they come out with more issues than when they entered the washer and dryer. clothes are a pain in my arse. i want and need new clothes but when i have them i quickly stain them or worry so much about avery getting them dirty that i'm uptight. i have on a new pair of capris and yep, after their first trip through simri's school of wash, they have unexplained areas of discoloration. i give up. you know it's bad when you get lectures from your HUSBAND on the proper way to launder!

but, my hubby is the best darn dad out there! i absolutely love watching him and avery interact. he teaches her so much and really plays with her. she adores him and walks through the house yelling, "dada, dada!" until she finds him and can take him captive for more time together. it's wonderful! we are both sad because he heads out on the road this coming sunday for the next two months and our time together as a family will be limited.

tonight is girls nite. the wives of the bandmembers (well, 3 out of the 4 of us) are going out this evening. i'm really looking forward to this! i get to meet with one of the wives weekly, but this'll be great. also, a good friend (and amazing singer) will be joining us. i just love spending time with these women. they are beautiful, wonderful gals. anna has recently returned from turkey so we are trying Cafe Istanbul tonite. turkish cuisine is good so i'm curious.

shawn keeps looking over my shoulder. it's kinda funny how i don't want him to read it as i'm typing yet it'll be posted shortly for anyone to see.

lata!

blue like jazz...

and so worth the time. another terrific book from the ever challenging Donald Miller. Man, just in sharing his journey I've been taught so much and brought to the place of repentance and hope and knowledge. I think we should learn from him and others that share the plain, ugly reality that is called life. we need to do that so that others are inspired. we are not alone but so often we isolate ourselves and suffer all the more. people, we are screwed up and broken and not a day goes by that we don't display that truth. let's at least encourage others with our tales of humanity mixed with the hope and promise of the Divine.

simri, i'm talking to you!

little shoes

one of my favorite things is seeing avery's stuff strewn throughout the house after she's gone to bed. i just love it! avery goes to be a good 3 hours or so before we do so by the time i'm shutting down the house, i've been away from her for awhile and it's just so sweet to see evidence of her existence.

my absolute favorite is her little shoes. they are so tiny and perfect. they sit wherever she last carried them. sometimes they are side by side, but most often there is one in the living room and another in the kitchen. it just makes me smile and think of what a blessing she is. she is apart of this family, a living being, a person that has impact and bright red hair. she is real, whether i see her or not. and those little shoes remind me of her.

i know there is some spiritual application in here and it's not too vague. it's in those quiet moments that we see evidence of Jesus in our lives and we know that He is. In the hustle and bustle that is called life, we often breeze past reminders of what matters. I don't always hear the birds singing in the special voice God gave just that species. I miss how refreshing the outdoor air can be and what life the sun brings.

but, just like avery's little shoes, God leaves traces of Himself throughout and we have to learn to look for the treasures that are Him. There are so many scriptures that speak to His presence in our world and life. He is real, a Person, a Being that is so very real it hurts. We live in a Godless world, but not on a Godless Earth.

a prayer answered, sorta.

so shawn had the morning off from the heights. we had met (or remet) some people about a week and a half ago and they go to reunion church downtown. i have been a few times and really enjoy the randomness of it. it's uncomfortably great. anyway, i've told shawn about it and he has wanted to check it out. well, this was our chance.

i knew that there was a possibility that we would see a certain christian artist who attends church here. i tried to put the thought in the back of my mind b/c that is not the reason one looks forward to church. but in all honesty, i totally dig this person and have repeatedly asked God for the opportunity to meet her. I guess I wasn't specific enough.

we get to church early. nobody shows up to this church on time. it's ten. time to start. yeah, there are about 20 people in the auditorium. the music starts - good stuff. people trickle in.

well, in the meantime, avery is screaming bloody murder and will not go to nursery. i don't blame her. it's a strange place full of strangers. not exactly my cup o'tea. so i'm out in the lobby with avery. luckily i can still hear everything that is going on and can still let her wander around, etc. a bit later she walks in!

i get all excited/nervous. i don't like that. i thought once you get married, you're done with that feeling. guess not. at first i wasn't sure but she's got a little boy the right age and a husband that fits the bill and well, there she is, looking normal, cute and like such a great potential friend. they head to the nursery (that avery refused to be in) and drop off cute little charlie. man, why was i not in there!

anyway, long story cut VERY short. after church, they are leaving and i'm with avery. our paths are going to cross and i tell myself that if i don't at least acknowledge her and say something, i'm going to regret it. well, i'm a dork...

"hi, i'm gonna regret it if i don't tell you how much i appreciate your music/ministry/writing (don't remember which word i said. too nervous)."

"thanks."

"uh, and i saw your little one in nursery. he is such a cutie" (part of the story that didn't make the cut)

"oh, i hope he was good"

"oh yeah, we had a cheerio picnic"

"well, who is this" as she looks at avery.

"this is avery"

"you're very pretty(to avery)...thanks again. bye"

THAT'S it! i so wanted to ask her about her music, how she writes, the books she's read, her inspiration. i wanted to compare new mom stories and convince her that we should be the best of friends. ugh, instead we exchange pleasantries and i act like a smitten teenager. it kinda cast a funk over the whole day.

so, i'm just hoping that wasn't my prayer answered fully. i need another shot, a common friend... i need to practice my conversation skills.

now you know..

this blog has given some great insight into how my mind works. i get excited and go gung-ho on something and then - bam! i hit the wall and can barely stomach the idea of continuing the project. that is precisely my frame of mind when i think about adding to this blog. it has been wonderful and a great outlet, but it is something that is now a "supposed to" and i don't wanna play by those rules. i shun responsibility unless i'm in the mood. too sad...

anywho, not on a lighter note, i met a friend of mine at the mall today to "try out" the kid's area. i haven't visited one yet simply b/c the thought of tossing my precious, germ-free (yeah, i know...) offspring into a pit of writhing, dirty, feral beings has been too much. but, this friend called and she and her son were climbing the walls so "did we want to find a place to let them play?"

now, my husband answered the phone and shared a much kept secret that we only recently discovered - Stacy Furniture is like Six Flags to toddlers! I know, don't tell. it'll be our little secret. we recently visited there and you would have thought we took avery to the greatest show on earth. the child would not be contained. she literally worked her way through the acres of sofas, recliners and sectionals, gladly tumbling to the floor so she could roll around and laugh her head off! it was great. we were dying and so excited - we had uncovered a free playground!

anyway, my husband mentions this to said friend and she doesn't really bite, so i say sure, let's go to the mall play area (ugh). about an hour later, we park our strollers and coax the kids into the foam covered pit. the reason i'm recounting this is, you could feel the tension/pretense/insecurity/judgment in that place. i felt like i was in jr. high! moms sat around the edges, watching you, watching the kids, watching you...we have got to be the silliest bunch of goons! we would compare ourselves to a doorpost and find ourselves lacking b/c we aren't as firm, thin and stable as that stupid piece of wood. add a child to the mix and we just have one more thing that we've got to prove makes us important. and don't get me wrong, i am the chief of comparison shoppers. but c'mon, when will we/i realize that there is more going on in life than seeming perfect?

yeah, i know, it ain't gonna happen today. and maybe not tomorrow. but i live for the day when i'm more interested in the people around me b/c they are worthy humans and not b/c i'm thinner or my daughter is wearing a cuter outfit.

(stepping off of soapbox)

and maybe in all honesty, i'm the one who is tense/pretentious/insecure/judgmental and I simply projected my unhealthiness on a bunch of wonderful, well-adjusted, content moms.