The richest of blessings

At the end of the day, when kids are in bed and I exhale (usually in front of the tv), I am moved by the guilt, remorse and regret of my actions or inactions. The barrage begins and I'm it's target for a long duration. Sometimes it's truly lies being fed to me to beat me down in weakness, other times I firmly believe it is correction at the hand of the Holy Spirit. The first is accompanied by a feeling of defeat, the latter brings about a deep sadness in the arms of hope.

It's the sadness I think about tonight.

I love the way the Holy Spirit works. Being that we are all unique, I can only testify to His specific workings in me.

Part of our bedtime routine with the kids is prayers. I am the last one in Ash's room at night. We sing a song of his choosing (ahem, the Bob the Builder theme song), I pray with him and then I kneel at the foot of his bed and pray quietly over him. He likes that I spend that extra few minutes there and I like the purposeful moment of prayer. Tonight, like a wave, the many blessings of the Lord washed over me. Blessings specific to our family. My heart was swelling with gratitude under the weight of "every good and perfect gift". But my heart was at that same moment pierced with my true ungratefulness. How beautiful to be loved so fully that in the midst of blessing you are brought to repentance! That right there is the greatest of blessings!

But my heart hurt and hurt bad at the blackness in me that craves the poisons this world puts before me in such tantalizing array. My heart hurts that I waste precious time bemoaning rusty, moth-eaten junk when the Lord, my God has not only set a place for me at the Great Wedding feast to come but He showers me at this moment with goodness. A goodness that feeds my soul, my very being.

How very sick the heart is! How very grateful I am that He is the Great Physician. How humbled I am that He refuses to take His Spirit from me, that He will not cease to sanctify me until I am whole. How joyous I am to know that my Lord Jesus is right now praying for ME before the Father!

I am undone before the grace of God. And I am learning to love the gutwrenching beauty of being laid bare before the Wise One.

I covet - He overwhelms me with true blessings.
I lie - He makes me to know truth in my innermost being.
I flee from His face in my shame - He waits for me at the well.
I falter in prayer - His Spirit takes over.

Oh, truly, where can we go to escape the overpowering love of God?

I am blessed. In every way. From where I've been to where I am, only a God like our God!

2 Peter 1:19

"...pay close attention to their message, as you would to a lamp shining in some dark place. You must keep on paying attention until daylight comes and the morning star rises in your hearts."

In this room there is darkness. The still darkness that casts no shadow. There is no light, no point of reference.

And so I sit in this room.

I wait for my eyes to adjust, for even in darkness, a little can be seen.

Not now. Not here. No hope of that.

I cannot sit for long. I hunger to know of this place in which I am. Much can be learned through the senses even when one sense is arrested. Sound and touch are made for spaces such as this.

I grope, then graze, not feeling much. What I do feel, I have trouble understanding. So much can feel this way or that. I have no confidence in naming my surroundings. But why stop? I have to know this place hidden in darkness.

My hands touch upon a cord, a lamp! The light is bright, painful, a bit uncomfortable...but what joy! I can see! Not every nook and cranny, but enough.

As my eyes take in the room, I'm not sure what I see. And still the darkness tries to quench the light. It appears to grow.

I shiver. I look at the lamp.

The light is peace, reassurance, power. The lamp's light makes me to know the truth: the darkness cannot stamp it out!

And so the light becomes my salvation, my hope, my help. I stay close to the lamp, seeing all through its cast. And as I sit, I see more clearly. Clearer and clearer, my room defines itself: beauty and ugliness, happiness and great sorrow. Messes amass, an effort at tidiness, too.

Is the light growing more intense?

No.

There is a window opposite where I sit. I see the morning dawning! The sky is lighting up in an array of colors just as my soul is filling with love.

The darkness is fading fast, holding desperately to the corners. Soon even they shrug the night off and the room is full and bright and fully exposed. Now the beautiful details are known. No more is the lamp needed for I am bathed in Light!

The walls melt away fast.
Glorious beauty!
Fullness of joy!
I am surrounded by love, engulfed, consumed.
I am known.